Top Ten Best Bands

I know pretty much for a fact that everybody out there that reads this thing (myself) values my opinion, and this is why I have decided in my wisdom to clear up some controversary that has been going on about which bands are, in fact, the best. You damned kids with your Metallica and Chuck Mangione records think you've got it all figured out, but, unless you're thinking that you should just stay reclusively in your dorm and not involve yourself in the rather embarassing ordeal known as life, then you are wrong. For those of you who might find yourself disagreeing with my last statement, I calmly refer you to a graphical representation of why I am right, which should clear up any doubts that you may have. So, with that out of the way, we may proceed to the list of top ten bands:

10. Definitely Not Your Favorite Band
Absolutely not. There isn't any way that this one is even close to the best. In fact, I would go as far to say that it sucks: sucks the big one. Christ, I don't even know how it made it on this list. That just comes to show you that they stopped making music in the 1950's, right after Frank Sinatra stopped making records. So, yah, like I said, your favorite band is crap.




9. Mozart
Yah, this is a great band: I heard them on the radio the other day, and I was like, "Wow, man, this is a great band." It's difficult for me to really explain how it is that they can achieve such a great sound, maybe they just have a really great drummer or something. Anyway, listen to 89.5 and see if you can catch them on there, couldn't get them on MTV for some reason though, which is too bad, because they probably have a killer music video.



3. Rubber Band
I've got two words for you: totally, fucking amazing. I mean, do you see that? That guy is like stretching that thing like fifty feet; there was this one time when I was in high school where this one teacher of mine had a rubber band, and then like there was a fly or something buzzing around and then he shot it in the air, and, like, it was the coolest thing I have ever seen.


2. Tom Selleck
For those of you who are going to go all pussy-footing around the details and say that Tom Selleck isn't a band and probably can't even play an instrument, Tom would like to show you that there is one instrument that he can play: a bat the size of your face. After a little trio performance between you, Tom, and his monster bat, which could crush a man's skull as if it were made out of kittens, I'm sure you'll be whistling a different tune.




1. Band playing at Jester

Yah, these guys are definitely the best. I mean, just look at them: they're one of the very few bands which make use of the under-appreciated crocodile-shaped playschool xylophone; they've pretty much got every genre of music covered: country, rock, emo, and whatever fuck else you want; and they pissed the crap out of those assholes who live at jester. So, they've pretty much are the best band in my books; it's just too bad that they didn't have more jam sessions.


So, anyway, now that we got that cleared up, I don't want to hear anything more about the subject of music, bands, or whatever. We should just all agree that I am right and just settle the question there, which works out great for me.