Daisy Wright Must Die

Much to my disappointment, I recently discovered that Jude Law has publicly apologized to his fiancee, actor Sienna Miller, for cheating with one of his children's nannies. If you guys out there know Jude as well as I do, then you know that he could hardly be capable of such a heinous act; for those of you who don't know the famous Jude Law, he basically starred in some movies and got a nomination for the Pulitzer or something like that. When I first heard the news, I was awestruck and attempted to ignore the claims, but despite my obviously high opinion of Jude, I couldn't shake the damning evidence: An internet source says he did it. Finally accepting the certainty of his guilt, I couldn't help but feel that my world was collapsing around me: If playboy actor Jude Law couldn't remain loyal to his fiancee, by what moral precedence can we as ephemeral observers in an impartial universe exist? The question instantly became too complicated for me, so I decided to save a lot of time and just find a scapegoat for the whole incident; it seemed that only Jude could be the target of my rage, when suddenly I thought of the nanny Jude cheated with, which reminded me of that New Yorker woman on that show called "the Nanny," which only served to make me angrier. The question of blame then was settled in my mind: I would find the nanny and kill her, not because I really care about the whole ordeal, but it probably would be fun and I needed to find a use for that 10-foot pike that I bought at RenFest. Armed with her name, Daisy Wright, from the infallible source known as "the internet," I proceeded forth on my quest of ignorance and revenge. Using my detective intuition, I calculated the best way to find Daisy Wright was to type her name into Google's image search, and then see if any of the pictures were of anyone that I knew. The results were a mixed bag, but they ultimately resolved my quest in an interesting and, frankly, quite stupid way.

Using my mathematical intuition, I can safely eliminate this result at a 15% level of confidence.








Why the heck would google image search put this picture on there for "Daisy Wright"? LOL they are so gay.






Professor Fatso is choreographing his next gluttonous feast.








And there we have it! It seems that the whole ordeal resolved itself with Daisy Wright already being dead and Jude Law being pretty freaking creepy. Disappointed, I put my unused 10-foot pike back into my closet, next to my shrine dedicated to Jessica Alba, the sight of which served to help fill the emptiness inside of me, if only a little.